The Comforting Mum

When Co-Parenting Becomes Complicated

Co-parenting can feel like walking a tightrope—constantly balancing what’s best for your children with what keeps the peace between adults who no longer share the same vision. I never imagined that something as simple as a name would turn into a minefield, but last week reminded me just how complex this journey can be.

For years, I held back from addressing the issue of my daughters’ surname. When they were born, I let them take their father’s last name. At the time, I believed in the future we were building—I thought marriage was the natural next step, so it didn’t feel like a battle worth picking. But life changed. We didn’t work out, and I became the full-time parent navigating the ups and downs, doing all the unseen work and making the hard choices.

Recently, I asked my girls if they knew my last name. They paused and looked unsure. “No, mummy,” they said. And it hit me like a brick. My name—my identity—is absent from theirs. That hit deep. And it was in that moment I realised this wasn’t just a personal discomfort—it was something I needed to advocate for, even if it makes things uncomfortable. That’s when I decided to ask their father to double-barrel their surname. I wasn’t erasing him; I was asking to be included. To be visible in more than just presence.

But the conversation went exactly how I feared it would. Defensive. Dismissive. He accused me of having a hidden agenda. As if sharing a name with my children was some kind of personal attack. He made it about him—his ego, his pride—rather than the emotional bond our children have with both of us.

According to child psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, “Children benefit most when both parents are emotionally present—not just physically. Feeling emotionally aligned with both caregivers contributes to a child’s secure sense of identity.” That affirmation gave me peace. My instincts aren’t misguided—they’re motherly.

Have you ever struggled with co-parenting decisions that felt personal? How did you navigate it?
Let me know in the comments or share your story with someone who might need to hear they’re not alone.

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✨ Reflection:

Co-parenting has taught me that shared responsibilities don’t always mean shared understanding. And while I can’t control how the other parent receives my intentions, I can still honour my truth—and fight for what feels fair, not just for me, but for the girls too. Sometimes, the hardest part of co-parenting isn’t the logistics—it’s the emotional labor of being misunderstood, dismissed, or made to feel like your needs are less valid. It’s wanting to do something simple, something that feels right for your children, only to have it spiral into conflict. But I’ve learned not to shrink myself for the comfort of others. My voice matters. My presence matters. And so does my name.

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🌸 Affirmation:

“I am not invisible. I am seen, I am heard, and my role in my children’s lives matters—whether it’s on paper or not.”

Signed,

The Comforting Mum 🤎